PENIS, VAGINA, BREAST, TESTICLES, AND VULVA ARE NOT BAD WORDS!
Wee wee, coochie, va jay jay, ding dong, dingaling, cookie, down there, front bottom, privates, pee pee, lady bits, weiner, hoohah, willie…If I were to continue this list of all of the ways we incorporate alternate words or phrases for our body parts, bodily functions, sex education, pleasure, etc. when talking to our children, it could be ten pages long. I get the why. Our generation, the generation of parents who are currently raising children, were not raised learning these terms or using these words. Our parents didn’t use them with us, we don’t use them with our kids. How often do we find cutesy alternate ways to make the words sound better? How often do we avoid these words altogether just so we don’t have to deal with our own discomfort? If you think about it, it ties into the ‘why’ of why parents have such a hard time talking to their kids about puberty and sex. It can be uncomfortable.
If you do any research on this topic, you will see many reasons why parents SHOULD use the correct terms for our body parts. These reasons will include:
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- Increasing self esteem and body image
- Avoiding shame about our bodies
- Preventing sexual abuse
- Keeping communication open about all things
- Communicating with medical professionals
You can and probably should read the articles out there about all of these things. I’ve come across articles that advocate for and against teaching children about the correct name for body parts. Like anything, it’s good to do your research and do what you think is best for your family.
Let’s talk a little about the importance of the reasons stated above.
Increasing self esteem and body image
When we use cutesy terms for body parts instead of anatomical names, we are inadvertently teaching our children that these parts are shameful or taboo or bad to talk about. Don’t believe me? Ask yourself why you don’t swear like a sailor in front of your kids. Because we call these words “bad words.” Bad words are words we shouldn’t use. So, we find alternate words that are more acceptable. Words such as crap or darn it, shoot, oh geez, etc. We tell our kids that bad words are bad but what does it say when we inadvertently use alternate words for our body parts? Aren’t we kinda doing the same thing? If a grown up can’t muster the courage to say the correct word, how can we expect our children to? Because of our own upbringing, it is up to us to change how we raise our kids despite how we were raised. When we use the correct terms for body parts, we are giving our children the gift of comfortably talking about their own bodies, which does reflect on how they view themselves in a positive or negative way.
Avoiding shame about our bodies
For decades, parents have responded to their kids talking about their bodies with statements such as, “We don’t talk about those things,” “Don’t say that,” “That’s inappropriate,” “Don’t touch that,” “We don’t talk about that in front of your little sister.” When you read them all together like this, it is easy to see how this can make a child feel shameful about both their body and the fact that they can’t or shouldn’t talk to their parents about these topics. If parents share their own discomfort when it comes to bodies and anatomical terms with their kids, it leads to kids thinking these subjects are taboo to talk about with their parents.
Preventing sexual abuse
A child who has been taught about consent and safe vs unsafe touch, is probably going to be more likely to say no to something they know is not right, or to tell someone about it if it does happen. Predators seek out vulnerable children. When given a choice between a child who knows very little about safe and unsafe touch vs one who has openly talked about this with a trusted adult, the easier target is the child who doesn’t understand that this behavior is wrong and needs to be talked about with a trusted adult. In an article in the New York Times discussing the importance of using correct body terminology, the author wrote that “Prospective offenders may understand that children who are comfortable with the right names for body parts are children whose parents are willing to discuss these subjects” with them. Hence, they may be more likely to discuss with their parents or a trusted adult, touch that is not ok. It is also important to teach kids that unsafe touch can also feel good, which leads to a LOT of confusion for a child about right and wrong and who is at fault.
Keeping communication open about all things
If a child knows their parent(s) are a place to receive honest and non-judgmental information and advice about all things, including things that can be uncomfortable to talk about, they will also know they can turn to their parents when they have questions or feel uncomfortable. Parents, you are truly giving your child(ren) a gift when you make these topics 'talkable.' Yes, I get that it can be uncomfortable for you, but is your own discomfort a good enough reason NOT to have these conversations. Guess what? The more you do it, the easier it gets. You just need to bite the bullet and start. If you need help, there are plenty of resources out there for you to make it easier.
Communicating with medical professionals
If and when our children see the doctor or a medical professional, it is SO much more helpful for them to have the correct terms for their body parts. I have been teaching as a nurse for over 20 years now, specifically as a sex educator for 10 years. Every year I teach, I can’t tell you how many moms and dads come to me after one of my classes to talk about what they learned. More often than not, it is about the correct names of our body parts and what they are there for. I have delivered babies from moms who can’t even say the word vagina let alone feel comfortable with someone looking at or touching “down there.”
I’m sure I will get some kick back with this one but I am a very BIG advocate for kids getting their genitals checked as part of a well child exam. We live in a world where we know we need to teach kids about consent and body safety. Something that should absolutely be included in talks about consent and body safety is the fact that safe touch may hurt at times. (Getting shots, having a doctor stitch a cut, or set a broken bone). These things may hurt but they are actually taking care of you. As long as a trusted adult is with you and the medical professional isn’t doing anything unreasonable (like checking or touching private parts for no valid reason), these touches are ok and they are safe. Allowing our children to say no to well child exams that include checking the genitals, doesn’t teach kids that someday, they will have to be checked down there if anything ever happens, no matter how uncomfortable it is or not. When a child only learns that they have a say in whether a doctor or medical professional checks their private parts, how then do you comfort a child who may have a UTI and needs to be catheterized, or one who got kicked in the genitals and needs medical attention, or worse, one who has been sexually abused and needs to be examined? We can still teach our children about body safety, consent, and safe vs unsafe touch while explaining that doctors sometimes need to check ALL of our parts and that is ok. If children are taught the proper anatomical names for those parts, it only helps those of us in the medical community to safely discuss their care with them in a way they can understand. I had a mom contact me after one of my boy classes and she told me about how her son had developed cancer at the age of 13 and needed chemotherapy to treat his cancer. This 13 year old had to meet with a fertility specialist to discuss sperm banking prior to starting chemo. She was so incredibly thankful we had discussed all of the topics we did in our class because he (and they) could focus on the importance of what was being said, rather than trying to teach their son exactly what the doctors meant. THIS is one (very hard) way it helps kids to communicate with medical professionals.
Makes talking about sex WAY easier
After all of that, I am going to add this one in here too. Sex education should not be one talk. It should be multiple talks over multiple years covering multiple pieces of age appropriate and relevant information. If you begin using the correct terms for body parts when your children are young, you have actually already started their sex education. This IS the starting place for having the talks. If you start with getting comfortable using the names of anatomical body parts (during bath time, changing, getting dressed), you will slowly develop a comfort level yourself with furthering the talks as kids grow and get older. We can overcome our own discomfort…one conversation at a time.
Need help with “the talks?” That’s what I’m here for. I am a Registered Nurse who has been working in the field of women and children’s health for 20+ years, and sexual education for 10 years. I bring parents and children together to factually discuss puberty and sexuality among ages 8 through 16. If you are looking for a safe and comfortable place to teach your kids and learn how to comfortably have these talks, join me in a class for girls, boys, moms, or dads. My goal is to bring parents and children together to make these stages of life positive and productive by giving families the tools they need to make these talks seamless between parent and child.